Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
