Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
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I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
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A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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