ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
