i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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