I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
