I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
