just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
