My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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