dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
