Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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