"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
