I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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