saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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