My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
