Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
