i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
