I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
