remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
