I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
