You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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