...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
