I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
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You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I came so hard my ears popped.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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