He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
