he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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