think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
