The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
