During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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