he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus