recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
