i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.