I can tuck mytits in my pants
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
