I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
false alarm, still single
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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