last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
