So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
