Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
