Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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