She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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