Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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