so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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