he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Can i not drive my cunt home
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
