Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
