whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my sisters under your porch take her home
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
