Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
