btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
