I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
