Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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