I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
