If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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