One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize