Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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