Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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