i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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