i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
