btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
