Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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