apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
