I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
