I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
